Tag: Author Interviews

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Meet Sarajane Giere

Sarajane Giere is a remarkable and versatile writer who has had essays published in The Christian Science Monitor and the Long Island section of The New York Times. She has had devotional pieces published in Son-Rise Publication, Bethany House Publishers. Her two published book-length memoirs are

The Melody Lingers On, and My Pilot, A Story of War, Love, and ALS.

The Melody Lingers On, a portrait memoir of her grandparents, congressman and raconteur Bill Nolan, his wife Matea, and their nine daughters paints a vibrant portrait of life in the mid-19th century including the politics, theater, song, the traveling lecture circuit, the broken hearts, and joyous antics of that side of the family.

My Pilot, A Story of War, Love, and ALS won three literary awards which included the Independent Press Award, The Military Writers Society of America’s Silver Medal Award, and the NYC Big Book Award. Sarajane Giere wrote the book based on the handwritten letters from Bernie and her own personal accounts of what life was like being a military wife. The book, which contains photos of her and Bernie over the years, is a loving tribute to her 52year marriage to her late husband Bernie, a military hero who served in the United States Air Force during the Vietnam War. Sarajane recounts the loneliness of separation from her husband when he left for his tour of duty, the worries experienced while he was gone, the bonding which occurs between military families, and the horror and fears when Bernie, who flew 214 combat missions in Vietnam, had been shot down and then rescued by a military helicopter. She explains how she struggled to find faith and gained the support of family and friends to get through those times, the relief and joy upon Bernie’s return home, and their life of raising children. Through vivid details, she describes Bernie’s courage under fire and his heroism during his twenty-five years in the Air National Guard’s 106th Rescue and Recovery Wing. It tells about how the couple’s faith, and their love helped them through the challenging times of wartime, then how Bernie began a career as an international commercial pilot with the uncertainty of furloughs while flying for Pan Am, and later his battle with ALS, a progressive neuro-muscular disorder, which he courageously fought but unfortunately, succumbed to.

Interview:

  1. Why did you become a writer?

SG –

As far back as elementary school, I enjoyed writing stories and illustrating them. My parents liked to read, and sometimes my mother would read passages aloud to me which would feed my imagination. Miss Helen Fox, my 6th grade teacher, didn’t laugh when my friend and I told her we wanted to write a novel like the one my mother was reading, about the wild West. Miss Fox let us do it. She moved our desks into the hall during recess time and was a gentle editor which propelled us to continue. All through school, I was fortunate to have teachers who encouraged me with my writing, and it made me happy to know my talent was recognized.

After I married and had children, I showed my oil paintings in an East Hampton Gallery and completed my MS degree in 1982. Art was my passion. Shortly thereafter, at age 42, I became a reading teacher and taught art after school. One day, a fellow teacher noticed me writing away in the computer lab during my lunch hours. She recommended I try out a writing group in East Hampton, and I did. That is when I began to seriously consider myself a writer. My group members encouraged me to publish, and I sent in my “lunchtime” essay to the Christian Science Monitor, and they published it! I was elated. My peers recommended I attend the Bread Loaf Writers’ Conference in Ripton, Vermont. I applied and was thrilled they accepted me. That’s where I found myself working with a well-known writer as mentor, Nancy Willard, who encouraged me to write a book.

2. What inspired you to write your book My Pilot?

SG During one of my East Hampton writing group sessions, I read a piece I had written about the night my husband Bernie left for Vietnam, and how I felt about saying goodbye as an Air Force wife in that unsettled time in our history. None of my fellow writers had been close to anyone who fought in that war, and they loved my piece. They wanted to know more about Bernie and me, so I continued to write the memoir pieces which later became chapters for the book My Pilot, A Story of War, Love, and ALS.

When I moved to New Jersey to be closer to my children the year after Bernie died, in 2014, I joined the Write Group of Montclair. This new assembly of talented people encouraged me to keep on going with my Bernie memoirs. They were, and still are, supportive of my writing goals.

As I settled into my New Jersey home I came across Bernie’s many letters from the Vietnam War and his sojourn in Okinawa the year before. I reread them all and slid them into plastic sleeves for safe keeping. It was as if Bernie were there in the room with me, and I wanted to capture him on paper and let my grandchildren know what a wonderful and brave man their grandfather was throughout his life. I found the letters gave the essence of the man and conveyed the feelings that he probably wouldn’t have shared under ordinary circumstances. I set to work, and although I wasn’t aware of it at the time, writing My Pilot assuaged my grief and gave me a love fest of gratitude that made each new day a joy. I was falling in love again and it felt good.

3. How much time does it take for you to write a book?

SG – It took me four years to write My Pilot.

4. How did you first get published?

SG –

I met a wonderful editor through my writing group, named Lorraine Ash and asked her if she’d look at my 24 chapters and give me some advice about publishing, of which I knew very little at the time. She helped me with suggestions for the development of the book and suggested that I leave off the first four chapters which were about Bernie’s parents, and make the book about just Bernie and me, and so I did. Lorraine helped me line edit and complete the rest of the publishing journey. We found several small publishers who were interested in my memoir and chose Imzadi Publishers who followed through and brought out the book in November of 2020. Lorraine even led me to a lawyer to review the contract they offered me.

5. What are you working on now?

SG – I am doing research on my dad’s family from Missouri, the Palmers. Like my first family memoir in 2012 about my mother’s Minnesota familythe Palmer memorabilia comes with plenty of diaries, letters, and memoirs to inspire me. I’m writing about what it was like growing up on a Missouri farm beginning in 1886, and how my grandfather John W. Palmer, became such a successful and respected gentleman who produced a notable family whom I remember with gratitude and affection. Using love letters and memoirs from my grandparents, my portrait memoir is the story of their lives and the lives of their children, as seen against historical times. It makes me happy and grateful to the Palmers for letting me behind the scenes of their remarkable story. My grand kids will know more about themselves after they read about the ones who came before them.

6. Can you describe your writing process?

SG I arise early and make a schedule for the day. I try my best to stick to it, but sometimes life gets in the way. A three, or four-hour session of writing is the most productive for me. I write for the book, and my blog, and, also to get feedback from my fellow Write Group members with whom I meet every two weeks on Zoom.

7. What writing organizations are you in?

I belong to the Write Group of Montclair, New Jersey. In the past, I was one of the founders of the Long Island Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators Group, and was a member of a Christian writing group, in Riverhead New York, called the Writing Circle. Before that, I joined the East Hampton Writers and met with them weekly for two years.

8. Where are your books available?

SG – My Pilot is available on Amazon, in paperback, large print, audio and e-book and can be ordered at Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and Walmart. The Melody Lingers On is available from the Blurb.com. bookstore and is also linked-in on my website’s “books” page. 

Love is a Verb, a Devotional of 365 Daily Inspirations to Bring Love Alive, compiled by Gary Chapman and James Stuart Bell, is available on Amazon.

For more information on Sarajane Giere, click the link below.

Sarajane Giere

 

EXCERPTS

My Pilot, Chapter 4: Off to War

Everything was soggy that night in Tampa when we pulled up to the MacDill Air Force Base flight line. A big plane revved up.

“That’s our taxi, Old Shaky,” said Bernie, pointing to the C-124 transport. “But don’t worry, honey. Each of those four engines generates about 3,800 horsepower, so you can be sure we’ll get there in one piece.”

The behemoth was waiting to transport my husband and the other pilots of the 557th Tactical Fighter Squadron to the South Vietnamese Air Force Base at Cam Ranh Bay on the South China Sea.

These F-4C Phantom fighter pilots of the 12th Tactical Fighter Wing would be the first to update the old airstrip on the sand into a modern air base. Runways were being laid, barriers to protect the aircraft created, and Quonset huts dressed up for pilots’ quarters. For eight years, until the conflict ended, the base would serve as a staging point for planes flying missions in South and North Vietnam. But that night Bernard and I didn’t question how long the war would last; that would come later.

The pilots had twenty minutes before takeoff when we ducked into the Flight Line Café where the men and their wives occupied every table. The jukebox boomed out the We Five rendition of “You Were On My Mind.” I felt uncomfortably adrift on the waves of all the smoke. The colonel had passed out cigars that morning. I chuckled when I saw a few nonsmokers playing at smoking. Those fighter pilots must have thought their cigars signified something—perhaps notoriety for being in the first unit to arrive at Cam Ranh Bay?

All these fliers, most not yet thirty, were going to test their mettle at last. After a year at MacDill Air Force Base, they had become such a tight group that even their nicknames took on a greater significance. In pilot training Bernard’s flight instructor sat with his trainees around him. When he called on twenty-four-year-old Giere, he said, “Bernard? Huh. That name will get in the way. How ’bout Ben?” The name stuck.

Jim and Sandi, sitting next to the window, motioned for us to join them. Outside the rain drummed on as we made our way to them, past couples leaning across tables, holding hands, and speaking in low tones as if sharing secrets. I was relieved to sit down.

“Ben, this is the best stogie I’ve ever had,” Jim said. I remembered I’d left Bernie’s in the car. When I offered to get it, he held me back with a smile.

“Forget it, honey,” he quipped. “I’ll get it later.”

Jim passed his cigar over.

“Take a drag of this,” he insisted. Ben accepted. Jim would be his copilot, or Guy in the Back Seat, for most of their tour. Their friendship had been cemented a year earlier when they were deployed in Okinawa for three months.

From the way Jim and Bernard talked, the three-day ride to Cam Ranh Bay was going to be the worst part of their twelve-month tour. There’d be no first class or stewardesses on Old Shaky.

“Please, ladies,” we’d been told, “the colonel says not to divulge our destination to anyone.  It’s a military secret.”

We were supposed to say, “He’s been deployed to Southeast Asia.”

And oh yes, Sandi and I each had a two-year old daughter to keep us company. Both Lisa and Christy were to be big sisters in six months’ time.

“I’m going to call my son Jamie,” Jim said. How presumptuous!

“How can you be so sure it will be a boy?” I asked.

“Sandi and I worked it out,” he boasted. “Didn’t we, Sandi?”

I thought it was impossible to work out a baby’s sex in advance. Four of us squadron wives were pregnant. The only predictor we ever talked about was the silly needle on a string game, and that was only a fortune teller’s ploy. I turned to Sandi for their secret.

“I’ll tell you later,” she mouthed.

After hearing Jim’s announcement, Bernie’s face lit up with a grin.

“I have no preference, really,” he said, “as long as it’s healthy.”

He put his hand around my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. That sweet touch radiated through me and filled me with pride. I knew he was telling the truth. Had there ever been a more thoughtful husband?

I looked through the windowpane at the wavy silhouettes of airmen loading duffel bags onto a plane. Ten minutes to go.

Our table conversation seemed inconsequential, just words lost in the air. I prattled on, merely dancing around The Fear—the fear of separation, of his capture, of his death, of widowhood. Fear of that day when a blue staff car would pull into my driveway and the base chaplain and grievance officer would ring the bell.

That very drama had recently happened to my neighbor, Nancy. Her husband had been one of the first Forward Air Controllers (FACs) sent to Vietnam. FACs flew small, commercial-type airplanes over the treetops, scouted for targets, and then relayed their positions to the F-4s, which were above them and poised to strike. (Bernard had been to FAC training that summer, even though his position as an F-4 pilot was secure. He never refused an opportunity to master something new.) As Nancy arrived home with her three little boys and a trunk full of groceries, she saw that bold blue staff car in her driveway.

The official word of Coz’s death came from the commander’s wife. I took the lead from her on when to visit and what to bring. I didn’t know what to say to Nancy, or if my voice would hold up through my tears. Somehow I got through it and the funeral that followed.

After that the vulnerability of a pilot’s life became a reality that helped define my role in this new war experience. My friends from the past, who carried on their civilian lives as if there were no Vietnam, seemed disconnected, foreign. I thought of Bernard as Teddy Roosevelt would have: “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena … who strives valiantly.”

The café door opened suddenly. The loadmaster waddled in, his boots puddling the linoleum. He grabbed the nearest coffee cup and gulped it.

“Let’s go!” he shouted. “Now or never.”

Bernard shouldered his bag and we left the café. With his hand around my waist, he steered me to a private spot near the runway gate. The rain was lessening. The wing tip lights blinked. Too soon, the pilots began peeling away from their wives and heading toward the plane. Bernard pulled me to him.

“I love you, honey,” he said. “Everything’s gonna be alright. My mother will fly down to help you when the baby comes.”

His embrace never felt as precious—strong, familiar, comforting. I wanted to say something substantial, some words of reassurance, but I couldn’t.

“Write soon,” I said. “I love you. Be safe.”

When I squeezed back into the car and noticed the dark shape on the dashboard, I lost it. Oh, oh, I forgot to give him his cigar. Oh honey, I’m sorryWhile some wives stood watching Old Shaky take off, I sat in the car groping for something to catch my tears. I drove slowly toward home, not wanting to spoil the memory of us together.

By the end of the week, the realization had set in. I knew this drama wouldn’t have a pat ending like an old war movie. I figured that if I could make it until November 1966, Bernard’s date of return, I could survive anything

********

 

Excerpt taken from Chapter 3 

     from The Melody Lingers On

On September 2, 1901, four days before President McKinley was shot by an assassin, the vice-president and soon-to-be President, Teddy Roosevelt, attended the opening of the Minnesota State Fair. Bill Nolan probably went to hear him speak, as he was a fan of the popular 43-year-old politician. That was a speech to remember, one in which Roosevelt uttered the words that lived long after he was gone: “There is a homely adage, which runs, speak softly and carry a big stick: you will go far.”

Roosevelt and Nolan most likely talked about their growing families and the frustrations of raising strong willed daughters. Could it be that the Nolan girls and Alice Roosevelt had the same streak of defiance and independence? “I can be president of the United States, or I can control Alice.  I cannot do both,” Roosevelt said.

When Bill told the president that his wife was pregnant again, Roosevelt said that if it were a boy, Bill should name him Theodore. A girl—if that unlikely event should occur—should be called Omega, the seventh and the end.

When the legislature convened in January of 1905, the members passed an official looking resolution and presented it to their Speaker of the House, Bill Nolan, which stated that the seventh Nolan shall be the last and he should be called, Theodore.

The members had a silver locket struck, engraved with the Greek letter Omega, and presented it to Mrs. Nolan.

Three months later, the seventh Nolan daughter was born, and they named her Theodora Antionette. Many years later, to receive her social security benefits, my Aunt Teddy proved her eligibility by showing her gold embossed resolution and silver locket.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marion Goldstein: Poet and Memoirist

 

Last year I had the pleasure of meeting Marion Goldstein through the Write Group of Montclair, an organization of diverse writers which provides opportunities to network, hone one’s craft, and encourage writers to write.

Marion Goldstein is a retired psychotherapist who worked for many years with the Carrier Foundation in Princeton, New Jersey initially as a Poetry Therapist and subsequently as Director of the Women’s Program and The Women’s Trauma Program. She has published articles related to her work as a clinician in The Journal of Social Psychiatry, The Arts in Psychotherapy, The Journal of Poetry Therapy. Her poetry has appeared in several literary journals. In addition, an excerpt from her memoir Hard to Place, One Family’s Journey through Adoption, entitled Two Roads Diverged, was published in Arts Medica, A Journal of Medicine, the Arts, and Humanities.

Her published books include two memoirs Hard to Place, One Family’s Journey through Adoption, and Embracing the Sign, A Journey of Faith, Science, and Experience, and Architecture of the Unpronounced, a book of poetry.

Marion Goldstein along with her late husband Bob raised their family of five children in Montclair, New Jersey. She now has thirteen grandchildren whom she takes great pride in and enjoys seeing.

Marion Goldstein’s writing is very personal and insightful and fulfills a need to express how she feels about the events in her life, explore spirituality, and share any insights she has gained.

We had an opportunity to chat over lunch and get to know each other as writers with some common interests. Here is the interview.

Why did you decide to become a writer?

Marion: I wanted to write prose to tell a story to my family. Poetry is a catalyst to my prose writing. For years, I took classes at The New School of Social Research in New York City, where I wrote and shared my writing. When I retired, I turned to prose, wanting to preserve my family’s story. Again, I found my way to The New School. I received encouragement from others in the class, and their questions concerning what I wrote became a prompt for subsequent chapters in my first book, Hard to Place, One Family’s Journey through Adoption.

How did your family feel about your writing about them in the book?

Marion: My family encouraged me, and my husband read my drafts and revision as I worked on the book. In fact, after the books were published, my children not only supported my endeavors but often promoted my books to others.

What inspired your writing?

Marion: When I have an interest in something or care deeply about something, I want to communicate about it. It must be something close to my heart. Writing allows me to say the unsayable, and my prose probably comes from my writing poetry.

How much time does it take for you to write a book?

Marion: It takes me five to seven years to finish a project. About 70% of my writing time is devoted to revision. I enjoy the revision process.

Do you have a schedule for when you write?

Marion: I write best in the morning, before I watch the news or talk to anyone. If I am excited about a project, I make time early in the morning. If I don’t have a project in the works, days or weeks might go by before I return to writing something.

Your book Architecture of the Unpronounced, is a book of poetry. You include poetry in your memoirs. Why do you write poetry?

Marion: To quote William Wordsworth, “Poetry is emotion recollected in tranquility.” Poetry offers you devices that allow you to say so much more in fewer words.

How did you first get published?

Marion: Through my work as a poetry therapist, I met two people who had published with North Star Press. One published a textbook, the other essays. One of the threads in my first book relates to the power of poetry, a topic in which North Star was invested. So, I submitted and had my first book Hard to Place, One Family’s Journey through Adoption published by them in 2009, and then they were open to my second book, Architecture of the Unpronounced, published in 2012, followed by Embracing the Sign, A Journey of Faith, Science, and Experience published in 2017.

Are you currently writing another book?

Marion: I have just submitted my latest fiction project, “Geography of a Friendship,” which follows the friendship of two women over five decades. I am thinking of writing another book of poetry.

******

EXCERPT from:  Hard to Place, One Family’s Journey Through Adoption

“KURT AND EDDIE RARELY LEFT HOME. Occasionally they’d be allowed to ride to the dump in the back of the old pickup truck. They sat amidst the refuse, bumping down the gravel driveway onto dirt roads twisting into the hills, the wind blowing through their hair. Ardis watched them from the cab as they clung to the sides of the truck. “Hold on tight,” she shouted as they giggled and shrieked with excitement. At the dump they each loaded up with a portion of the week’s disposables and made a little procession from the truck to the huge swatch of valley that swallowed and digested the town’s garbage. Allen grasped the collars of their shirts or jackets so the force of the throw would not tumble them into the pit.

Trips to the hospital – the only other times the boys left the little red house on a regular basis – were less fun. They did not like the hospital, with its maze of corridors

And people. They did not like the long hours with psychiatrists, or the small testing room where each of them went separately. They did not like the tiny table or chair where the doctor sometimes squeezed himself so he could sit opposite one of them to play a game that was really not a game at all. Even the ride was less fun. Ardis and Allen told them to squat down in the back of the pickup so that no one in town would see them. They made a game of it: each time Allen slowed down, Ardis told the boys to pull the old wool blanket they kept in the bed of the truck over their heads. The explanation for this secretiveness was another piece of the puzzle that lay hidden in a sealed file for the next twenty five years.

Sometimes peeking from under the blanket, the boys watched Ardis buy fish from one of the many markets that lined the harbor street. Nova Scotia is a 350-mile-long peninsula protruding into the Atlantic Ocean like a giant lobster claw dangling off the Eastern Coast of Canada. Yarmouth is located at its southernmost tip. Here Kurt and Eddie could see the Atlantic coast and the seawall rugged with rocks. They were fascinated by the bracelet of lighthouses that wrapped around the coast, casting beams across the water for the many fishing boats that entered and exited the tiny port. One afternoon, standing on an empty beach, the waves lapping at their toes, the boys looked out at the great expanse of ocean that covered the whole horizon. Allen was pointing out the ferry docking in the harbor. He explained how it sailed for ten hours each night to transport tourists and their cars from Bar Harbor, Maine, in the United States across the water into Canada. Of course, the boys did not understand this geography, only that the other side of the ocean was very far away.

It was the spring of 1971. Small as pebbles against the blue stretch of ocean, the boys breathed the sea air they would never forget. Small for their age, each boy looked about a year younger than he was. I imagine them standing together, shoulders touching through their washed cotton shirts, their hair, fine as corn silk, covering each head like a copper bowl.

During that Spring, while the sons I had not yet met were beginning to take their first tentative steps toward recovery from their traumatic early childhood, I was living in New Jersey. I can picture myself as I was then, deep in thought, folding laundry in the basement or standing at the kitchen counter spreading peanut butter and jelly on Wonder Bread. Robert, Kathleen, and Dennis, my three children, would come banging in the side door each day, hungry for lunch after a morning at school.

I was completely unaware that during those very days, providence was entwining my life with the lives of two little boys in another country who stood gazing at the sea.”

********

“SIX YEARS LATER, infinity shook me. My friends and I were discussing a math class. A girlfriend traced the mathematical symbol for infinity on paper napkins and illustrated how there was no escape from it. The old oak table in the Brooklyn ice cream parlor, the chocolate egg cream, and the straw standing upright in the glass are all anchors to my thirteen-year old self that day. Frightening thoughts about death and infinity, a concept that, until that moment, had been relegated to the study of math, sprang from some dormant seed within me.

For a Catholic girl attending an all girls’ Catholic high school, the promise of an afterlife, in a place called heaven, was unquestionable in the faith in which I had been reared. The moment of that off-hand remark in that Brooklyn ice cream parlor drew me into the labyrinth. For the first time, I literally confronted eternity. Time without end, to go on and on was ungraspable, unimaginable, and frightening. The thought caused my head to swim and a vague nausea to make its way through my body as a subtle panic set in. The smell of flowers, a white First Holy Communion dress, and Christine erupted in my memory.

I did what I imagine most thirteen-year-old girls do. I pushed the thought aside and got back to the chocolate egg cream, the boy in the next booth, and the teenage realities so important at the time. No one else I knew had died, although the whisperings of other kids, polio, iron lungs, and the boy around the corner, who couldn’t walk, loomed in the shadow of my awareness. It had been seven years since Christine died, and I had continued to live. I was probably going to live forever!

Time went on, infused with a revolving set of desires, all of which could be accomplished while loving God. As an adolescent, it was a perfect math score, an invitation to dance, a diploma, a room of my own, unblemished skin, and a trip to Radio City Music Hall. This was the time of preparation, the anteroom of life. Serving God would come later.

As a young woman growing up in the Sixties, I had two choices: become a nun or follow in my mother’s footsteps and marry. In marriage I could serve God by rearing Catholic babies, who in turn ‘would know, love and serve God and be happy with him in heaven.’ I chose marriage when I was barely twenty-one years old. I had known Bob, a neighborhood boy, since eighth grade. When pregnancy didn’t happen in the first six months of our marriage, I made an appointment with a doctor. Surely there was something wrong with me. I prayed the rosary each day to Mary, the mother of God, to fulfill my burning desire to be a mother. Driving home from a movie or a party on a Saturday night, Bob and I recited the prayers together, one of the most intimate acts of our marriage. We were in it together, counting on God to help us create the blueprints of the life we would build together.

And it happened. Whether prayers were answered or nature took its course, within the next five years I gave birth to my three oldest children. Each filled me with a joy beyond what I could ever have imagined. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, the objects of my desire, my way of serving God, what He wanted for me, aligned perfectly with what I wanted.

Yet, I was increasingly preoccupied with the fear of losing my children, whether literally at the playground or the Thanksgiving Day parade, in a car crash if I weren’t present in my imagined omnipotence to protect them, or to a fever that spiraled out of control. My anxiety about their safety burned obsessively. Life was fragile, and I saw danger at every turn. My vague feelings about my own death and eternity crystallized, the way minerals dispersed throughout the substrata of bedrock become the hard black rocks of coal. In my vigilance to avoid death, I thought about it all the time.

It was exhausting. I kept track of children who were diagnosed with leukemia, children who fell out of windows, and children who drowned when a parent looked away. A good friend once commented that I had nightmares all day long. Gradually my fears overshadowed all the things that had brought me happiness. I would not let my children out of my sight. Even a trip to the grocery store with their father caused me to watch the clock and monitor the minutes until their return. Even when my own children were safely tucked in their beds at night, I was becoming exquisitely aware of a world in which safety and happiness were reserved for the lucky few. My provincial views garnered from the safety of a happy childhood had gradually telescoped to include a world where poverty, inequality, war, and evil were endured, day in and day out by the many, with no hope or any amelioration. In my unrelenting preoccupation, literally everything in life led to death; everything in life was meaningless.

As I struggled to find my way in my search for meaning, my reason for being, an incredible sadness overcame me. My world grew smaller and smaller. As I fought the overwhelming panic, the God whom all my life I had accepted on blind faith vanished. I was truly lost. The existential questions that had eluded me while I was busy changing diapers and running after toddlers pounded like surf in my brain.

What is it all about?

Is there a God?

Is there an afterlife?

If there is no afterlife, does anything matter?

Is life an absurd joke?

Prayer had always been my answer, the current that moved me forward. I had prayed to pass exams, for the phone to ring, the bus to come, my brother to return from Vietnam. I had prayed to St. Jude for the impossible, St. Gerard to become pregnant, St. Anthony for loss, St. Patrick for luck. And my prayers had been answered. I had everything I wanted, or so it seemed. But now prayer was empty. The whole idea of life being about an afterlife, of a heaven or hell for eternity, was cast in doubt. I could not find God.”